Flash fiction – Dear One,


Dear One,

There are a couple of things going on in my life at the moment which I am not too happy about.

There have been times, one too many of late, where I catch myself sighing in despair and numbed by indecision.

I hear you when you say that I am passively living my life. I hear you when you say that I am living a lie. I hear you when you say that you feel sad for me.

Because I feel all of that too.

As I wandered in the fields of my dream, I see another me who is living the kind of life I wished for but daren’t pursue. The moment I stretched out my hand to touch that other me, it evaporated, leaving neither a trace nor a scent of what could have been.

Tomorrow, I will dream again. It’s the same dream but with a tweak here and there,  twisted and embellished by time to suit whatever my sub-conscious wished to perceive.

I hear myself telling you that you should try to walk in my shoes. I hear myself telling you that I wish things were different. I hear myself telling you that I feel tired and restless. I hear myself telling you that I love you.


Little things that mattered

Sometimes you get lucky in life because life gives you a second chance to revisit your past and allows you to make amends in the present before it is too late.

Sometimes a chance conversation will dredge up little things. Things which you have forgotten; of images buried deep in the recesses of your mind.

When that happens, it’s like reopening a window and peering into the past. And once that window is opened, it’s like being shoved into a giddy vortex. How far down you go or how quick you resurface largely depends on how much you dare to delve.

Memories can be dark things. Murky stuff that shows up in clear light.

Ever since I started writing on this blog, I have found myself actively seeking out memory-markers – things, events, words, pictures – which could trigger some kind of recollection of my past.

The funny thing is that, regardless of the years, we tend to remember very well — the bad, the shameful, the hateful, the loathsome. We shudder at the recklessness, the what-could-have-happened-but-Thank-God-it-didn’t scenarios. We scowl at the cruel words hurled; careless, cutting, deliberate.

But it’s the little things that slip through the shutters.

Little things like, how my grandmother would help me hand-sew the fussy hems and trimmings for my Home Science assigment just so that I can have the extra time studying for my exams (which I promptly squandered reading a Mills & Boons novel instead).

Little things like, how my father would insist on assuming control of my school science projects, resulting in something that was so over-designed and over-the-top, it was embarassing.  I was the only kid in class and possibly, the whole school who handed in a 3D topographic map with an exploding volcano which was made possible by pouring vinegar onto the baking soda placed inside the volcano.

Little things like, how my grandfather would sit next to me and insist that I learn how to write in old-fashioned cursive “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” until I get it perfect.

Little things like, how my mother would wake up at 5AM to wash the clothes, hang them to dry, rush to make breakfast, see us off to school before hurrying off to work; most days, I now recall, with breakfast in her bag. And on some days, she would come home, breakfast still in her bag, which she would hand over to me to devour greedily while she prepared lunch. It never occurred to me to ask why she came home with breakfast still in her bag.

These are the little things that now matter the most to me. Because I realized today how much they were sacrifices of love.

Today’s chance meeting with a stranger made me regret the unkind words, the impatience, the indifference. It also reminded me that I am loved very much eventhough love shown by my closest and dearest, is not overtly in a way I know how, but in a very subtle way; purely because that is the only way they knew how.


Elevator pitch

I was in the elevator on my way to a brunch appointment.

Next floor up,  a couple walked in with a fancy three-wheeler stroller. A toddler sat snugly inside watching Peppa Pig on the mounted tablet. The stroller took up half the elevator’s space. 

Up another floor, a family of five entered. Promptly lined themselves along the sides with their shopping bags, filling up every available space.

Next floor, a big tour group was waiting to enter. A guy holding a flag in the front of the group was issuing instructions in a foreign language.

Someone inside the elevator quickly closed the door, but it re-opened.

The big group insisted on squeezing their way in.

The elevator buzzed.


Someone had to leave, but the last group in refused to budge.

So we waited; whilst Miss Unclear-On-The-Concept from the last group stabbed the “Close” button repeatedly.  Duh!

I guessed that was when someone decided to let a fart ripped.

A big one.. with a full-bodied throttle.

A heady mix of gas from whatever-he-ate-over-the-weekend. Chokes!

Never seen so many people rushed out of an elevator in record time.


Oh! the places you will go..

“The more you read, the more places you will go,the more places you go, the more things you will learn.” 
― Dr. Seuss, Oh, The Places You’ll Go!

I sometimes wonder:  had I not stumbled into investment banking 25 years ago, what career path would I have pursued?  An English Literature teacher, a writer, or both? I love to read. I love to write and of course, I always have lots to say about everything and anything. LOL

For me, books are the most magical things. They allow me to live vicariously in another life, another place and another time at each turn of a page.  I love the excitement of opening a book and finding a great first line that leaps off the page and stabs you in the eye. I love the musky smell of paper, yellowed with age. I love the sharp crisp smell of ink. It is like comfort food. Like having a bowl of soupy ramen noodles on a winter night miles away from home.

When I was younger, there were alot of things we couldn’t have on a whim. I grew up in a small town in Malaysia. There was only one bookstore which stocked a limited choice of storybooks, novels and flashy magazines.  Most of these books especially by my favourite writer, Enid Blyton, were expensive imports from the UK.

Hence, storybooks were something my parents could not really splurged on us whenever they felt like it. To this day, books are always associated – at least in my mind – with a blessing. A gift. Something treasured. A special occasion.

For a small town girl, books flew me to places which I could only dream of, and embarked on reckless adventures which my parents frowned on.

When I was 9, my friends and I  converted a space in my dad’s garage into a secret meeting place after reading Famous Five storybooks.  Things came to head after a neighbour complained to our parents about us snooping in his backyard.  

When I was 12, a couple of my friends were sent to boarding schools in UK.  I begged and cried and nagged my parents for weeks to allow me to go too. When they finally asked me why on earth would I want to leave the comforts of home for a boarding school, I told them about how fun I thought boarding schools would be — just like Whyteleafe School from The Naughtiest Girl in School storybooks. “But it’s not real school. It’s a s-t-o-r-y,” my mother rolled her eyes and groaned.

When I was 16, I went to college and befriended Nell. Nell was from the City and she was worldly. She would change into street clothes after school and wore lipstick. We were in awe of her. More importantly, Nell introduced us to Mills and Boons. She had an endless supply of these deliciously naughty books with pictures of couples french-kissing on the covers and with their clothes way too tight, too low-cut, too scant.  I would carefully wrap these books with the dust jackets from some hardcover reference books, just in case someone came into my room (cue: nosy pesky sibling)

Regardless of school week or term holidays, my parents were a stickler for early bedtime and would demand lights off by 9PM.  I would read with a torchlight under the blanket way into the night so that my parents can’t see the light coming from under my bedroom door. 

Now nearing five decades since my first book, my love affair with books have not wane one bit. There’s always a quick skip in my heart when I have a book in hand.  I still love reading a book under the blanket with a mini reading light clipped at the top; until my better half decides to fart under the blanket.


Flash Fiction – Killing two birds with a stone

     The air-conditioner cranked loudly, blowing warm and cold air in cycles.  This office smelt musty, like rotting carpet.  On one side of the wall was an imposing oil painting of E.H, the company’s founder.  Three work cubicles crammed into the office space flanked by two large glass cabinets full of golf trophies.     

     On the production floor below, metal cutters screeched, grinders rasped and compressors hissed.

     Someone was walking up the perforated metal stairs; the sharp clacking sounds from the metal tips typical of expensive shoes echoed up to the top floor. 

     My coworker, Qian, cleared his throat.  I checked my watch. 11.45AM.

     The door opened and the Accountant strolled in with a cup of coffee.   She looked up, startled. 

     She made a sharp turn and walked out again, hollering at someone to hurry up before re-entering.

     “Hi.  I didn’t know you were coming.  Traffic jam,” she fretted.  I shrugged. 

     Excuses.  It would be a cold day in Hell before the city roads were free of  roadworks and traffic jams. 

     “Is E.H working today? It is 11.47AM,” I asked icily, looking pointedly at my watch and making sure that I stated the time loud and clear. 

     She stared meekly at the direction of the door. 

     E.H entered the meeting room with an exaggerated swagger. 

     “Hello sweetie,” he said with a wink.  I flinched as he tickled my palm with his index finger.  Then, he gave me a knowing smile as though we were sharing a private joke.  I pretended not to notice.

     “Good to see you, buddy,” he bellowed, slapping Qian on the back. 

     “Thanks for the stock tip the other day.  Made shitloads,” he continued. 

     I spied Qian mouthed something frantically. 

     “The big boss has asked me to introduce you to Lilly Tan.  She is his new Fixer for our investee companies, although I don’t see the point because she is managing his small personal stuff,” Qian said pompously, vigorously rubbing the arms of the sofa with his hands.

     E.H wagged his finger at me, “Sweetie, you should meet my wife.  She is driving me crazy with her endless renov–, “

     “Thank you, I am sure I will meet your wife sometime soon. For your information, I am not the Fixer. I am the new Managing Partner of the Fund,” I cut in.

     “She’s your new Boss, eh? A lady boss! She’s gonna put you under her thumb.” E.H laughed at Qian and made a show of pressing his thumb on the table.

     “We are going to reorganize all the real estate assets in our portfolio companies. All the factories, the offices and warehousing facilities. Some of these will be put into a Real Estate Investment Trust (REIT) for public listing.  I am sending an Associate here soon to compile a list of all landed assets in this company.” I announced firmly, noting the sneer on Qian’s face.

     “Hey, Qian. Maybe we can get rid of those retail lots we bought by injecting into this Trust, eh?” E.H growled. 

     I glanced at Qian.  He looked away.  

     “Hmm.. retail spaces. You mean, the ones you bought with Qian?” I fished, feigning surprise. So the rumours around the office water cooler were true after all. That there were conflicts of interest between Qian and this portfolio company.

     “Qian told you about it?” E.H looked at me in disbelief and then, at Qian.

     “My friend, REITs are con-jobs…only the managers make money.  I won’t be too happy if I were you.  Mark my words, your shareholding in this company will be majorly diluted.” Qian laughed nervously, his unsmiling eyes glinted dangerously at me. 

     I drummed my fingers on the table impatiently and stood up to leave. 

     “Well, we won’t know for sure if there will be a dilution as yet.” I said casually.

     Qian jumped and pointed at me accusingly, “What do you mean by no dilution? This…this factory and this land are the most valuable assets in this company.”

     He waved his arms wildly and glared at me darkly,  “Unless..Oh don’t tell me..  you are planning to relocate this factory to some remote area and sell this prime land.”

     E.H glowered at me. He arched his back and puffed his chest out. 

     “Nobody is going to touch any of my company’s assets. This factory and all the land around here was bought by my grandfather with his hard-earned money,” he snarled, pushing his face mere inches away from mine and jabbing me at my breast. 

    I swung my arm at him. He grabbed my shoulders and frog-marched me out of the office. I screamed as loud as I could and turned to elbow and knee him at the balls, but he was too strong for me. He lifted me up and dropped me on the doormat outside. The metal stairs shuddered as the office door slammed.

     I picked myself up and tucked my blouse back into my tailored pants. Once in my car, I dug my hand into my pocket and gingerly switched off the recording device. I closed my eyes tightly as I half-slammed the car door against my calf. That would do. A big ugly bruise here and another there. Sufficient evidence to threaten E.H for physical violence and keep Qian on a leash.

     I looked around at the land surrounding the factory and smiled.  Qian was right. This land is the most valuable asset in this company.  Five acres of land right in the middle of the City.  Relocate the business. Sell the land. I pumped my fist. It is always important to close the first deal in any new job, fast. 

The one with the bad perm

     Last night, my husband asked if I would like to go out for dinner for a change. “Let’s!” I said, before suggesting that we dressed down. I happened to know this “foodie hideout” place in the outskirts of town.

     I studiously avoided catching his eyes as we got out from the car and walked into the restaurant. This eating place was a couple of tables and chairs on a cement floor under a tin roof jutting out in the front yard of someone’s single-storey terrace house in the suburbs. Yup, unlicensed, unregulated, non-legit home restaurant business.

     My husband inhaled sharply as a middle-aged woman with a severe tight perm and wearing lacy leggings waved at me and led us to an inconspicuous table at the corner.

     Mrs Bad Perm who is the owner’s wife shouted our drinks order to someone at the back – it was a choice of either home-made herbal tea or boiled barley. “Free drinks,” she reminded me. 

     “Why you so long no come here?” she asked, in a singsong voice, and then, glancing pointedly at my better half, she continued “Your father?”  I sucked my cheeks in to stifle a giggle before answering “This is my husband.” Mrs Bad Perm slammed her order book against her opened mouth before shaking her head and apologizing profusely. 

     “What was that? Comedy central?” my husband scowled, watching Mrs Bad Perm hurrying to the kitchen. I squeezed his arm and said that it was part of the appeal in places like these. Unpretentious charm! LOL

     By the time our food was served, my husband was waxing lyrical about the freshness of the ingredients. I told him that the steamed fish couldn’t get any fresher than this. It had been happily swimming in the tank when we walked in!  We also had a dish which he assumed was braised venison in chinese herbs. Actually, it was not venison. It was — umm — monitor lizard, but … he needn’t need to know that for now.

Love in a second language

The daughter got engaged last week.

It had been a long time coming, she said, contemplating a long distance relationship that was rather long in the tooth. My husband and I rolled our eyes. 

“We,” my husband said, pointing his finger back and forth between us, “got engaged a year after we met. I wasn’t going to give your mum an opportunity to think about this and that.”

I laughed nervously. He is right, you know.

My husband and I grew up in totally different settings.

I grew up in a small family. I had two siblings and everyone went about quietly doing their own things.  On school days, we had to finish our homework before we can go out to play. We were allowed two hours of tv after dinner. Then, we were given a dose of cod liver emulsion (yukks!!) and bundled off to sleep by 9pm.  

On weekends, we had church activities and helped out with the household chores. My favourite chore was ironing clothes. To this day, I enjoy ironing. I love the repetitive rhythm of the iron gliding on cotton and the sharp scent of sunshine as steam hits the folds of a shirt. In short, I had a boring, sheltered and pampered upbringing in Snooze county.

In contrast, my husband grew up with seven siblings. It was a boisterous household. Everyone was loud and there was always too much of everything – cooking, eating, jostling, teasing and everyone talking over everybody in their effort to get heard. The distractions were incessant. They overwhelmed me.  

Like my husband and I, our daughter is going to marry into a family that is as diverse as ours. We are a small quiet Malaysian family of three.  Our daughter is our only child. In contrast, our prospective son-in-law comes from a large noisy British-Punjabi extended family.  For her, it will no doubt take alot of getting used to.

As my daughter prepares for her marriage and settles in her new life in a new country, all I can offer from my experience are these:

It’s hard to fathom what hard work being in a culturally diverse relationship is; until you are elbow deep in one. It is like being in love in a second language.

When the going’s good, you enjoy the novelty, the diversity and the differences.

When the going’s rough, it’s a minefield to tread. It is initially hard to understand what went wrong, what you did wrong and what you said wrong. But it is ok. You have to remember that marriage is more than love. It is a commitment. It is like a bird – you need both wings to fly.

And no one says it better than this quote from one of my favourite Asian writers:

‘Love’, this English word: like other English words it has tense. ‘Loved’ or ‘will love’ or ‘have loved.’…Love is time-limited thing. Not infinite….In Chinese, Love…has no tense. No past and future. Love in Chinese means a being, a situation, a circumstance. Love is existence, holding past and future.
~ Xiaolu Guo – A Concise Chinese-English Dictionary for Lovers


“So, what do you do?”

     In the company of strangers, my friend would say that he “works in a hospital” when asked that all important question – “So, what do you do?”  

     He will then proceed to nail that well-practised game face all evening. That blur look which gives the impression that he is anything but a doctor. 

     He tells me that it was the best lesson learnt from early in his career because if he were to reveal that he is a medical doctor, he would have to spend all evening listening to folks relating their long list of ailments – imagined or otherwise – in the hope of getting free specialist advice over dinner.

     “I can’t dish medical advice without proper diagnosis, you should know that,” he would complain later. I would obediently agree.  I mean, what else can I say? 

     Hence, whenever I am caught in similar situation, I frequently say “I am a broker” in a nonplussed way with my shark-like smile for added effect. Somehow, the word “broker” inevitably conjures images of hungry rent-seeking scheming agents. 

     Like my doctor friend, I have learnt the hard way that to hold oneself out as an private equity investor is like being doused with honey before entering a roomful of bees. You’ll be swarmed. Transformed instantly into the life of the party. A minor celebrity. Suddenly, everyone has a business proposal or knows a friend of a friend who has one. The more opportunistic ones will persuade you to take a we-fie, before asking for your personal phone number so that they can sent you the photo (of course!) and shortly after, their business proposals.

     Ideally, a person is not defined by his job title nor judged by it because work is just one of the subsets that makes up a whole personality.  Unfortunately, we don’t live in that ideal world. Rant all you want and philosophize till you turn blue, the bottom line is this:  your answer to that seemingly casual question -“So, what do you do?” – is like the key  the real world uses to plug you on their food chain pyramid.

     Occasionally, I would answer, “I am a retiree.”  It would certainly guarantee a quick dismissal – after all who wants to hear about a has-been.  But it is an efficient way to get rid of pushy social climbers and aggressive self-promoters.  Yup, those ones who hand out business cards like Santa before dominating the conversation for the next hour; telling you how great they are, how qualified, how awesome his business is. 

     So, what do you do?


Calling the bluff

Yesterday, I met the owner of a manufacturing company in which we are private equity investor. 

Between mouthfuls of scalding Teochew congee, my business partner informed me that he intends to “sacrifice profit margins to continue fulfilling the value proposition that he has always held out for his customers.”  

“I think we should absorb the higher costs of production so that we can remain competitive,” he continued. I stared at him glass-eyed and all my brain could hear was yadda yadda yadda 

“Does this mean that we are going to lose money?” I finally asked

“Little bit,” he smiled; making a mini-gap between thumb and first finger for emphasis.

“How much?” 

He pulled a deep breath and said, “I think we will be down by only 80%.”

“O-n-l-y 80%?” I flinched, feeling my blood pressure hit stratosphere. “What is causing the higher production costs? Labour? Raw Materials? Machines?”

He cocked his head to one side and started rubbing his forefinger against his lips. “I should say it’s labour. Ya, definitely labour. We increased our headcount in January.”

“How many new staff and in which department?” I probed.

“Three new managers.”

“Let me get this straight. Are you saying that because of these three new managers, the company is going to shave its margins significantly? Who are these three managers? Your children? Relatives?”

“Actually, I should also say that higher costs because of more expensive raw materials. And our machines are old. We need to upgrade,” he continued, ignoring my question. 

I scrunched my nose. I could smell bullshit coming.

“How about sales? Is the company coming up with new products or getting new customers?”

He waved his hand dismissively. “Sales, you don’t worry. We know what to do.”

“How much have you sold this year?” I pressed.

“Maybe $2 million or $3 million. Very competitive market. But since you are here, I might as well tell you. Actually I am thinking that maybe we should diversify into property.  My son..I mean, one of our new managers, showed me this property development project recently.” He reached for a piece of paper in his shirt pocket and unfolded a site map of the property.

I leaned back and laughed harshly. “How are you going to pay for this project?”

“You don’t worry. We will issue new shares to finance the construction. I will cover you. 20% stake, free of charge. I hold it for you. You don’t have to declare to your Board. Trust me.”

I did a quick mental calculation. 20% stake is alot of money.  

I shook my head, incredulous that his audacity. No. 

His eyes narrowed. “People like you don’t understand business.  Investors, fund managers, analysts.. they want more, more, more. They don’t understand why we have to sacrifice something in the short term to grow better, bigger, stronger in the long term. They never run businesses before. They are not entrepreneur like me.” He ranted, jabbing himself repeatedly in the chest with his forefinger.

I waited for him to cool off and said calmly,  “We invested in your company because we believe in its prospects and your ability to deliver your profit targets within three years. So far, you have delivered 60% of the total. Let’s focus to deliver the remaining 40% on this 3rd year. After that, we will reconsider your property project idea.”

“You don’t have worry. I will not only hit the profit target this year, I will get someone to buy you out. I don’t think you understand how I run my business. I don’t want you as my investor anymore.” He glared at me.

I smiled tightly. Nothing gets a man all fired up like a good old confrontation with his ego.   Over the years, I have learnt three hard rules about private equity investing: (1) Always stay cool. Emotions sink ships. (2) Trust no one. It is harder to trust than be trusted. (3) The first offer is never the best offer.

I have no doubt he will deliver on his profit targets. But buying me out? Nah. I am calling his bluff. The private equity investment circle is small. If one leaves, you can bet the next investor would only come in at a deep discount. He will rake through the numbers with a fine-toothed comb to see if he can drive the asking price lower. As I have said, the first offer is never the best offer. That’s rule #3.



Queen of wishful thinking

I was lounging on the lazy chair playing time-wasting games on my phone when my husband returned from his morning jog. It was a sweltering 37deg C in Kuala Lumpur.

“Isn’t that like too hot to be outside, trying to outrun your equally unfit buddy around the jogging track?” I asked, eyes fixed at the screen while my fingers tapped frantically to save the wobbly avatar.

Instead of giving me some smart-assed quip, he leaned forward and wrapped his sweaty body over me. Then, he rubbed his oily stubble against my cheek. EEEEeeeooowwwww! So gross!

Attempting to move away, I misjudged the space between me and the edge of the lazy chair, rolled over and promptly fell clumsily onto the floor; with the chair tipping precariously.

Unfortunately, my husband thought that was the most hilarious sight in the world and he has not stopped reminding me of it since.

“Hey! just that frigging one time and you make it sound as though I fall all over the place all the time”, I protested, only to have him re-enact my fall by twirling his index finger in a downward spiral. Totally juvenile!

After lunch, he asked me what I would like to do for the rest of the day —apart from falling off chairs? I pretended not to hear the last part of his question. To be honest, I wished we could what other families would normally do on weekends: Drive some place off the beaten track for interesting foods. Catch a movie. Go window shopping… instead of catching up on sleep/work/emails which was our weekend routine.

“Let’s go to the pasar malam,” I proposed, referring to the night market at the town square where one can get everything from fresh vegetables and local delicacies to clothes and fake branded handbags to traditional medicinal herbs sellers guaranteeing “the ultimate in conjugal bliss.”

I can picture him going to the pasar malam. He would probably spend his time training his eyes on the floor, trying to avoid puddles of water formed by melting ice dripping off the makeshift fish stalls; or covering his nose at the rancid smell of food rotting in the nearby stagnant drains; or shielding his eyes against the burning diesel fumes coming from generators used to light up the stalls at night. And the crowds…shoulder to shoulder … intruding into his personal space. Arrrgghhhh! I know how much he hates that. LOL

“Sure,” he grinned.

“Seriously?” This was too good to be true.

“This evening?” I asked again, making sure that I was hearing the right thing.

“Yup. But first, you must do that roll-from-the-chair-onto-the-floor trick for me again”

“And I am the queen of wishful thinking,” I sighed.